The Time Machine (That I Found at a Yardsale) (2011)

I've been putting this off and putting this off and putting it off because I knew it was going to be a slog. So here I am, and I'm finally going to do it. I'm going to not only watch this film, but I'm going to give you a blow-by-blow and I know it's going to blow but here we go.

You see, I found this thing while looking for George Pal videos. Dan and I were talking about Tubby the Tuba, so I was checking out all these George Pal cartoons and on the side-bar it said THE TIME MACHINE (I FOUND AT A YARDSALE) FULL 84 MIN. VERSION. I thought maybe they meant they'd found a copy of the "The Time Machine" at a yard sale and it had some footage I'd not seen before. Excited by that possibility, I clicked the link.

Oh, but it is not what I thought.

There are others who have covered this thing. I have not read their reviews. I watched the first ten minutes, but had to stop, but then Danno dared me to watch the rest of it. As I've done some blow-by-blows for other movies, I figured I could do this as well.

So, I've got a box of crackers, a nicely chilled bottle of pino grigio, and a wedge of fromage d'affine. Let's do it.

Escapes (1986)

Looker (1981)

 We have made many jokes about Looker over here at Anime Hell, but I'm pretty sure very few of our audience have actually seen it. Tonight, I'm going to do that for you.

Written by Michael Crichton, Looker could have been a good movie. I mean, the guy wrote The Andromeda Strain, Jurassic Park, and Sphere. By the same respect, he also gave us Congo, The 13th Warrior, and Sphere. Your important info tidbits are: beautiful girls, computers, nakedness, death. Just looking at the trailer, I want to point out that model hitting the roof of the car. I'm pretty sure it's a nod to Evelyn McHale, but one never knows.

Enough with introductions. Let's get to it.

Phase IV (1974)

Trippy visuals aside, there's a lot in this trailer that didn't make it to the final film.

Phase IV is a movie that someone told me about years ago, when he was on an ant interest-binge. The plot he gave me was nothing like what I actually saw, so I assumed that either it had been a long time since he'd seen it, or he thought I never would.

Years later, I used to listen to the insane "Cultural Pollution" mixes on ISRN.ORG (now defunct), and one involved a lot of the music from Phase IV. I didn't know it at the time, but I did enjoy it. It wasn't until I was on my own interest-binge—Saul Bass—that I discovered this very, very strange movie.

I'm also very sad that Mr. Bass, a gifted visual artist, did not get to do the poster for his own film. Something about that seems very, very wrong.

The jury's still out if it's a good film with really bad parts, or a bad flick with really good parts. Let's take a look at it.

The Manitou (1978)

The Manitou is about a woman with a tumor on her neck who goes to the hospital only to discover that it's a fetus of a reborn Native American medicine man from 400 years ago. It was written by someone who knew nothing about tumors, hospitals, or Native Americans. It is also about 40 minutes too long.

I rented this not too long ago from Netflix. The disc was damaged and I couldn't watch it, but they had it on streaming. I sat down with a bottle of chardonnay, a bowl of sauerkraut chicken, and slogged through this thing. After watching it, I reported the disc as damaged on the Netflix site. When they asked if I wanted a replacement disc, I said no, thank-you.

So, let's examine this mess.

Fire & Ice (1983)

Sometimes, you feel a little bad for not liking something. A lot of other people like it, you know it took a lot of time and effort, and the people involved were all talented and dedicated people. Look at that: the actor doing the live-action sequences for Darkwolf is even wearing a little wolf-skin hat.

Watching this short little “making of” video (sorry about the sound synch), however, does not change my opinion of Fire & Ice in any way. At all.

The problem is, I'm not a teen-aged boy.

Ecco (1965)

Back in August, I read that Gualtiero Jacopetti had died. It's okay if you don't know who that was.

Back in the 60s, a new kind of film came out that was meant to shock its audience. Mondo Cane (Dog's World) was the first of these, followed closely by the uncreatively titled Mondo Cane 2 and a slew of other Mondo films.

One film in the Mondo genre is ECCO, which means "Behold!" The version I watched is narrated by George Sanders, a man with a bizarre sense of humor. Also, he was the first voice of Shere Khan in The Jungle Book (all others being voiced by Tony Jay).

The last thing you need to know about Mr. Sanders is that he committed suicide. He left the following note:

Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck.

After watching ECCO, I see why the ordinary world bored him.

Now, let's see....

Vampire Over London (AKA My Son the Vampire) (1952)

This trailer has absolutely nothing to do with the movie I just watched.

The Yin and Yang of Mr. Go

Yes, I know the sound quality on this is not very good. Trust me, you are not missing anything.

If that is Christopher Lee, he's not credited on IMDB or the credits. It might just be a good Lee impersonator; but, it could be him, before he got respectable.

Now, the actual movie.