Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Yin and Yang of Mr. Go

Yes, I know the sound quality on this is not very good. Trust me, you are not missing anything.

If that is Christopher Lee, he's not credited on IMDB or the credits. It might just be a good Lee impersonator; but, it could be him, before he got respectable.

Now, the actual movie.

I watched this movie, because Dan suggested it. I will never forgive him.

Burgess Meredith plays "The Dolphin", an acupuncturist with ties to the underworld. Don't worry too much about him, as he spends most of the movie behind the camera. Yes, Meridith directed this flick.

Jeff "Jeffery" Bridges is introduced; this is his first actual film from not-TV. He plays a douche draft-dodger, Nero Finnegan, who's fascinated with James Joyce. Look, I've got a copy of James Joyce's "Ulysses", signed by Stacy Sanchez, Playmate of the year '96, and I don't worship Joyce the way this kid does. And it's not as much that he worships him, as much as he thinks people should respect him the same way they did Joyce. Sadly, Nero has zero talent, so no one sees him as anything but an annoying white guy in Hong Kong.

James Mason plays Mr. Ying-Yang Go (or YY Go to his enemies), a half Chinese\Half Mexican crime lord. You will learn to hate both him and his dumb contact lenses before this movie is done.

YY Go manages to pick up Prof. Robert Bannister, whose plane crashed in commie China. He's played by Peter Lind Hayes, who I had seen elsewhere.

This is reason number one I hate this movie. I frickin' love "The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T" and seeing Hayes try to give Jeff Bridges a blowjob in "Mr. Go" has completely ruined the "Dream Stuff" sequence for me. Thank you, Burgess Meridith, for putting a subtext on a scene that was perfectly innocent and wonderful. Rot in hell.

Anyway, Go blackmails Bannister. This would not be a big deal, but Bannister has developed the "sidewinder" laser that can destroy any air-borne missile. We'll get into that more later, when Hayes is looking more like Heino and wearing dark glasses.

Now, this is when CIA Agent Zimmerman shows up. He's played by Jack McGowran, who is a fantastic actor in his own right. He pesters Jeff Bridges, convincing him he's a literary agent. Queue some horrible James Joyce quotes and an irritating night on the town. As you can see from that clip, Jeff's girlfriend is kidnapped.

Jeff is annoyed his GF is not home waiting for him. That is because he is a douche. Zimmerman blows his cover and Jeff goes on the run.

Jeff runs to Mr. Go, and QUEUE THE BUDDHA! Yes, Christopher Lee is a deus et Masonite and Mr. Go has a flashback.

Actually, he has a montage. It's like, Yo, dawg. I heard you like montages, so I put a montage in your montage. The entire time, the soundtrack keeps playing.

I'm guessing you played those two clips I posted, right? The entire soundtrack is like that. You cannot escape it.

Mr. Go, has a terrible speech and talks about how he feels tingly and new. Seeing as how he has not just scrubbed down with some Dr. Bronner's, the extra character in that scene should be shooting everyone and jumping out of the helicopter.

Oh yeah. That scene takes place on a helicopter.

A helicopter Mr. Go has a remote control for. I don't know about you, but I've played with one of those little RC choppers and it's a royal pain in the ass to keep them in a straight line.


Jeff-Jeff has to go rescue his girlfriend from LESBIAN RAPE SCENE. Seriously, I saw that and was all, "Whiskey tango fox-trot, Burgess!" It took me completely by surprise, even though there was a still from it during the opening credits that I had utterly ignored. This was pointed out to me later, by people who pay closer attention to random bare breasts in films.

Everyone hides out in a graveyard and Jeff's GF gets kidnapped again, because she's less useful than a Dr. Who assistant. She gets whisked away to the Dolphin's shop.

Zimmerman gets chased by Japanese hipsters and is saved by The Dolphin. This movie is just old-man wish fulfillment, I swear.

Jeff's GF drinks some potent potable and has a fun little scene where she swears like something out of "Firefly" at Zimmerman. There's a fight scene and Zimmerman is shot in the stomach.

Later, as Zimmerman stumbles through town, bleeding to death, they play the MOST INAPPROPRIATE MUSIC. I hate you, movie.

Mr. Go decides to have a funeral for himself. Jeff gets to see the super-laser in action and gives it away to all the beautiful people of the earth. Jeff's GF hangs out with Mr. Go inside a Buddha-belly and she rubs her tit on him. He looks ill.

So, I have to say, I hate this movie. I could not watch it all in one go, but kept having to pause it and do other things. I cannot suggest it.

I can only warn you. SAY NO TO GO.

I watched this, so you don't have to.

1 comment:

Tohoscope said...

From that description on I was hoping for a TV movie Our Man Flint with James Joyce referenced punch lines. I may have to write that movie myself.