The scariest is always last....

Whenever I do this, I always save my scariest, most horrifying, spookiest post for last. This year is no different; in fact, this year, it's the post that could SAVE YOUR SOUL.

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Did you know there are people out there who give out Chick Tracts instead of candy on Halloween? Yeah, that happens. If we go back to my old neighborhood, I could point out the house that did that to us as kids. He was hated more than the guy who gave out raisins or pennies with needles in them.



Take a gander at the story presented here. You can compare this to the tract itself (no, I am not giving Jack Chick any web hits, so you're safe).

I assure you, the laughable production values pay perfect homage to the source. Consider yourself saved.

Gallery of Horror (1967)

Besides John Carradine, this flick also boasts Lon Cheney Jr. and Roger Gentry!

This is a hilariously bad movie. I really had some trouble getting through "The Witch's Clock", but once you crest that hump, it's smooth sailing.

Also: it's got a character named "Alucard", so there's your cheap anime connection.

Amicus Productions

You know how much blood is in this movie? It will surprise you.

Amicus productions put out several horror anthology flicks, and we've got the last weekend of Horvent (my name for the Advent for Halloween) coming up. Maybe you'll have a party. Here are some movies I can suggest.

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I have no idea why the trailer is in black-and-white; the movie isn't.



Anything with David Warner in it is good. Except Time After Time.



See that little dance Christopher Lee does when the hand grabs him? I did that once. A gecko had run up my pant-leg.



BURGESS FREAKIN' MEREDITH. Nothing more need be said.



I like ending on Vincent Price. Sadly, this movie also features musical numbers and they're very 80s. BUT! Go about 3:00 in on this clip:



Seamless....

One Step Beyond (1959)

Before the Twilight Zone--before The Outer Limits--there was One Step Beyond. It was a series that specialized in stories of "the uncanny".

More importantly, it gave us the title for this song:



Oh, 80s. You're so wacky. Let's try that opening theme again with the theremin.



Yeah! It's the closing credits for "Outer Limits"! Big surprise. Let's see what else they have going on.

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So, I heard that new "Carrie" movie came out. How is that?

Hammer House of Horror (1980)

Oooooooh, it's Hammer, so you know it's good.

Apparently, in 2003, this show pegged number 50 in the 100 scariest moments, and when Channel 4 aired the list, the clip (at 1:26:05) was the party from "The House that Bled to Death". I've got to say, that scene made me laugh so hard, I had hot chocolate spiked with rum shooting out of my nose (the rum is what hurt).

Nonetheless, it's a good series with some truly creeptastic moments. And you can get it on DVD. Awesomesauce! It's well worth it.

Here; let me show you what I mean.

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Moral of the story: Do not trust Peter Cushing.

Escapes (1986)

Nightmares (1983)

Oh man, it was a sleeper alright. Parts of it were an absolute snooze-fest. But, you can't rent it, so you know what that means!

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There were some stories for the TV Darkroom that were just too...dark? Gorey. Expensive to film. If you'd seen Darkroom, you'll see a lot of the same names attached to this project. Christopher Crowe was all over this baby.

This is not a good movie. It has moments, like the "grasping the areal on the car and then it wiping back and forth" in the first story, "Terror in Topanga", which was cheese blocking but strangely effective.

The second story, "The Bishop of Battle", is the one most folks who have seen this will remember. We were joking about how funny it was that people thought you could make any money as "video game hustler". Well, it was the 80s.

Hey! Check out this fantastic thing A\Very found! (Warning: sound auto-plays.)

For me, the third story, "The Benediction", was the best. The story-telling is tight enough (in context), and Lance puts on a good show. I love the truck bursting from the ground (thanks for spoiling that, trailer). The story isn't too complex or obvious with where it's going and it resolves as it should.

Ugh! Finally we get "Night of the Rat". This is truly terrible. Fresh off the set of Alien, Veronica Cartwright is perfectly hysterical throughout. Richard Masur is a dickish dad, but I keep waiting for him to burst out with a BOOGEDY!!! ....just kidding..... The monster reveal at the end is of such laughably poor quality that it sucks the drama away and leaves the audience feeling cheated. You want to make rats scarey? DON'T SHOW THEM. Heck, I learned that watching During Barty's Party.

Oh man, Beasts was some actual nightmare inducing stuff. That was a great series.

Darkroom (1981)

On a whim, I went looking for this show. I hadn't seen it since it first aired, back when I was in first grade, but I remembered it. Oh, but I remembered it...

Surprisingly, there weren't that many episodes. After re-watching the series, I realized that some of these tales were ones I mistakenly thought were Twilight Zone (the 80s version, obviously), or Night Gallery. We'll come back to those shows later in the month, but it's interesting to me how the genre of "thriller" shows all blend together after a while.

Now, I assure you, if there were any other way to get a hold of this show, I'd provide it. It's not on DVD, so you can't buy or rent it, and that's the only reason I'm willing to post links to the videos themselves. If there's another way, we like to take the legal option.

	Episode One	Broadcsting
01	"Closed Circuit"	A TV newsman (Robert Webber) finds he is being replaced -- by his projected image. The subject was handled better in this episode than inLooker.
02	"Stay Tuned, We'll Be Right Back"	A man (Lawrence Pressman) discovers his child's crystal radio is receiving clear broadcasts -- from 1942.
	Episode Two	False Identities
03	"The Bogeyman Will Get You"	A teenager (Quinn Cummings) believes she's discovered a vampire (Randolph Powell).
04	"Uncle George"	A poor couple (Claude Akins, June Lockhart) try to find someone to pose as their late uncle, whose pension they can't afford to lose.
	Episode Three	Dolls and Action Figures
05	"Needlepoint"	A woman (Esther Rolle) uses voodoo to avenge her granddaughter's death.
06	"Siege of 31 August"	A farmer (Ronny Cox) is tormented by his memories of war when his son's toy soldiers come to life.
	Episode Four	The Mob
07	"A Quiet Funeral"	A quiet funeral is the setting for a double-crossed forger's revenge.
08	"Make Up"	A magic makeup case transforms a loser (Billy Crystal) into a winner. Sadly, the transfer obscures the final shot on this story, but you should already know what the punchline is.
	Episode Five	Inhuman Things
09	"The Partnership"	An old man's eerie partnership allows him to live well in a crumbling town.
10	"Daisies"	A filandering botanist develops a machine that reads the thoughts of daisies.
11	"Catnip"	A ruthless young man (Cyril O'Reilly) is stalked by a demonic black cat.
	Episode Six	Language
12	"Lost in Translation"	An archaeology professor (Andrew Prine) seeks power over others through a magic formula.
13	"Guillotine"	A 19th-century Frenchwoman tries to save her lover from the guillotine.
	Episode Seven	Acts and Lies
14	"Exit Line"	An aspiring actor (Stan Shaw) takes revenge on an acerbic critic (Samantha Eggar).
15	"Who's There?"	A husband (Michael Lembeck) sets a trap for his unfaithful wife (Dianne Kay).
16	"The Rarest of Wines"	Son (Henry Polic II) is unhappy about what he received in the will of his recently deceased mother.

As you can see, horror anthologies were the morality plays of the 80s. I'm sure the consistent lesson of "Don't be a douche" was the only reason my folks ever let me watch stuff like this.

Enjoy! I'll be back on Thursday with a special treat.

Are you wearing a mask tonight?

WARNING: The above video may either induce a seizure or activate the mind-controlling micro-chip in your Halloween mask. I'm pretty sure the seizure would be worse.

You can actually buy those masks. There was a tie-in with the producers. I'm sure someone is selling them for more than they're worth.

Masks should never cost too much.

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Well, some masks cost more than others. I suggest watching all 4 parts, as it's an excellent tale. Normally, masks are meant to hide who we are, not show the truth inside.



The truth is, the iconic mask from Donnie Darko is just Frank's Halloween costume. Who knows why he chose an evil rabbit, but there it is. I'm also disappointed that Donnie's girlfriend fell asleep before the movie started, but I'm sure that's a plot-point. It's nice of Frank to whisper to keep from waking her.



What's great here is the history of the Mike mask.



Hockey mask, not that exciting. It's not the mask itself, but how it's used that makes a masked killer entertaining. Both Michael and Jason are your strong, silent types, so the mask doesn't have to be that big a deal.

And for those of you playing at home, Kevin Bacon.



Ghostface isn't the quiet type. I can't watch any of these without thinking of Scary Movie. To be honest, I haven't watched either all the way through. I'm sure they can't be that much alike.



OK, let me tell you a little about this movie. It's a strong premise that starts off very well, has likable characters (except the female lead), and some great writing. That's the movie you start with; it's not the same movie by the end.

Leslie is an ebullient, outgoing, and affable slasher-in-training. He's having fun and you have fun watching him as he goes through the steps necessary to create a typical slasher flick. He's got a wonderful mentor (now retired) who talks about how "the industry" changed. The mentor has a wonderful wife who, from what we gather, is a "survivor girl" herself (named Jamie, oddly enough). Robert Englund plays Leslie's "Ahab", does a wonderful Donald Plesance impersonation, and is named after the cook in The Shining.

It's not a great film because of where it decides to go, but it is fun. I'd suggest watching it and trying to figure out all the little Easter-eggs in the flick.



The title "Behind The Mask" has been used numerous times before. For a comedy, even.



I'm going to leave everyone with this, as it's a fun mask story.

There's a sequel, The Scream of the Haunted Mask. I know because I finished recording an audio-book of that not too long ago for a group that does books for the blind. I need to find out if there's already a recording on file for the first book, just so I can record that as well.

So, now that you've seen all that...what was your mask going to be tonight?

They walk among us

Godless Commies! Anyone could be one!

As a study of How People Thought in the 50s, this is a great fable. The two main characters are divorcees (scandal!). It's a huge allegory for how anyone could be an America-hating commie, so we have to stay on guard at all time.

Replacing our loved ones (Capgras syndrome) isn't all these doppelgangers can do. They also appeal to our fear of losing our own identities (syndrome of subjective doubles). We're afraid of losing our lives, just in a different sense.

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No, it's not a ghost story, but it is a very scary film. Strangely enough, though you could never tell by watching it, the twins are played by actual twins. They never appear in the same shot, which might lead you to believe otherwise.



This time, the fear is of industrialization. Computers were just starting to take over our lives at this time, and there was a dehumanizing process at work. It really did feel like that!



Again, the fear of loss of identity. And DAMN that I can't get a copy of this in the States! I remember when I first saw it as a kid and how terrifying it was, that someone could...possess someone else like that.

The clones themselves are actual sweethearts once they find out what the deal is. I say sweethearts; I mean vengeful harpies. It's great.

Actually, this reminds me of a story about a guy who actually did manage to clone himself (very illegal), but there was something wrong with the tank or something, because the clone had a terrible case of Tourette's. Of course, the clone looked just like the guy, so people were coming after him for the foul language "he" had used around them. Eventually, the guy was so fed up, he pushed the clone off a bridge.

He was arrested later for making an obscene clone fall.



Oh no! One of my favorite films has been replaced with a terrible flick filled with explosions! NOT EVEN OUR MOVIES ARE SAFE!



So, they don't even have to be from outer-space to be scary.



They don't even have to be twins. That's just creepy.

Sadly, there was an American version, so it's almost like Hollywood is the Single White Female to every movie out there that's any good.



How many of them are there? THEY'RE ALREADY HERE!!!!!

What measure the man?

Remember what I said about Charles Laughton earlier this week? Well, there he is; very symmetrical and looking very Captain Bligh with that whip.



I always had a plan to perform my own experiments: to create half-human\half-philosopher creatures. THE ISLAND OF DR. THOREAU! Some lives are worth more unexamined!

Anyway....

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Creature from the Black Lagoon was filmed and originally released in 3-D, and was one of the first Universal films filmed in 3-D (the first was It Came from Outer Space, which was released a year before). It is considered a classic of the 1950s, and generated two sequels, Revenge of the Creature and The Creature Walks Among Us.



Also, this happened. Marlyn Monroe was right. It "just wanted to be loved".



To be fair, that's Lon Chaney Junior.



I'd like to think that Andre was not actually the victim of homicide, but "death by misadventure". I also like how this trailer lets to listen to what's in store, which kinda makes it creepier.



This was seriously one of the dumbest movies I've ever watched. I might never forgive SyFy for this mess. It seems to be a common fear: men who become beasts. Kinda helps when the man in question is so beastly.



They aren't always frightening, however.



Meanwhile, women are always scary. This is either justification of the "boy's club" vibe a lot of fandom sends off, or a result of it. I'm thinking it's a combination of the two that results in stories like this.



Hey, the worst that can happen is she'll say no, right?



Although really, if she was all that liberated, she'd be "Cat Womyn".

Look at my wingspan! I WILL DESTROOOOOOY YOU

You have to start with King Kong. It's the classic "giant animal" tale and has been included in the Library of Congress. The Nazi's banned it, so it has to be good.

A box-office smash (RKO's first success), it's the one everyone tried to imitate. Observe:



Wikipedia sez: "Buoyed by the enormous success of King Kong in 1933 and its profitable theatrical reissues in 1938, 1942, and 1946, RKO had great hopes for Mighty Joe Young. Upon its release in 1949, the film was honored with an Academy Award for Special Effects (a category that did not exist in 1933 for King Kong)."

Don't think it would stop there. The genre just kept growing.

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If a giant gorilla is scary, then would could be more terrifying than Them! ?

Nuke it from orbit; that's the only way to be...oh. That's how they got big?



Look out, Canada!



Look out, Mexico!



Look out, England!



Look out, Jap....eh. You guys are used to it.



Ah, big silly monkey. You should not be in Japan. That's where Godzilla lives.



SEE WHAT I MEAN?



The monster is actually a giant snail. And it doesn't challenge the world as much as the Salton Sea and my lunch. Snails are just all...ugh...that's just gross. The worst part of this flick is the instruction video that shows close-ups of real snails eating. I gag just thinking about it.

Although Hans Conred puts in a nice performance here. He's like a proto-Quincy.



I'd say it was the giant bats or giant rats or the giant winged lion that made me include this, but I just wanted you to see this insane thing.



OK, giant rats. They're still scary. Good Halloween costume, if you're of a mind to.



If you go back and watch The Matrix (the first one--the good one), and check out the scene at the Oracle's apartment, this is the movie the kids are watching in the living room.



The Twin Towers? TOO SOON, MOVIE. TOO SOON.



Here's a culturally insensitive cartoon to make it all better.

I had trouble getting out of bed this morning

Note to self: do not shoot bed. It will only anger the bed.

There was a remake, actually, of The Blob, and I'll only post a link as opposed to an embed because I find this sort of thing difficult to stomach. Even if it is all stomach. We're more about the fun than the gross.



Not that I'm going to show you the whole movie, but I love these opening credits. I'm also a bit of a sucker for Burt Bacharach tunes and that animation is just mesmerizing.



WHEN GRAPE JELLY ATTACKS!



Make that, when yogurt attacks. I never could stand that stuff as a kid.



Ugh! Stupid office. Stupid work.

P.S.: I have no idea when this was made, but look at that phone!

Waiting for a "full" modo....

Dang, but Lon Chaney was a swinger, eh? He's so acrobatic. Or acro-hunchback-tic.

Here's the full movie, if you're interested.



She gave me water! screams Charles Laughton.

(We'll be visiting with a more symmetrical Chuckles later in the week. Dude was married to the Bride of Frankenstein, so there's stories to tell....)



Those crazy Gypsy women (and their goats) are casting their evil spells on Anthony Quinn! I can see her ankles! SCANDALOSITY!



George Bloom, I will hunt you to the ends of the earth. And when I find you, I will knock you over.



I'm gonna go lie down now.

No, there's nothing wrong with your soundcard. It's a silent film. You can watch the entire thing here (with a soundtrack).

First published in 1909, The Phantom of the Opera was written by Gaston Leroux. The silent film is from 1925. Just let that sink in a bit. Our ability to make movies is over 100 years old. This still messes with my head.



Oh, Claude Rains. The man was cast as the Invisible Man because of his wonderful voice. Doesn't it make sense that he'd play a guy in mask?

There was a Chinese version in 1937, but I have not been able to find a good copy.



Oooooo, Michael Gough's in this. Remember him from the Hammer Dracula movie? Of course you don't. You don't even know who Herbert Lom is. That's cool. We can get past that. We've got the Internet.



I have to include this, even though I don't really want to. See, I'm a Dallas girl (Assassination City, born and bred), and a lot of this dreadful movie was filmed in my darling home town. Paul Williams' mansion? That's the county courthouse. The Paradise itself? Why, none other than the old Majestic Theater downtown. I have a permanent, obligatory (albeit small) place in my heart for this dumb movie.



hate to say it, the original music for Magnetic Rose is better.

There's a good man in there, somewhere.

Welp, last Moon-day, we covered werewolf transformations (hyuck hyuck), and Kris mentioned Jekyll & Hyde. The above link is an excellent example of another kind of transformation (see if you can spot all the edits).



DRINK IT, ALREADY!

Hey, there's a mirror. Where's the camera?



It would appear that doing a decent transformation sequence is one of those "wisdom of the ancients" type things, lost through time, like building pyramids, fixing a typewriter, or how to make decent french toast. I've seen similar transformations done in real life and they were more convincing.



Oh! Oh! I know! And I am telling. SPOILER ALERT: He becomes Jerry Lewis.



You know what this reminds me of? How to Get Ahead in Advertising, which is an interesting Jekyll and Hyde story in its own way. Turns out, Hyde is better at the job.



Everything is a remix. Or a remake. Amazing.



Even that is a remake.

Wanna see the version from 1920 with John Barrymore? No? Here it is. Here is the 1990 version with Michael Caine.

Now, You See Him; Now, You Don't

Besides the whole "crazy dude that wants to take over the world" aspect, Claude Rains' Invisible Man is someone I would not mind having a beer with. I've worked tech-support. We have many tales of human stupidity to swap.


Smoking jacket. Dude had class.

That's an illustration for the first edition of the H. G. Wells novella. Here, you can read it. It's not very long. That's good on a Sunday afternoon.



What I love the most about these movies is the special effects. It's mostly pantomime from the other actors, but there is that occasional foot-print in the snow, or "miraculously" levitated object.



Check out Sam Neil's awesome pantomime there with the gun-headband. Who knew he could do physical humor?



Dangit, CGI! You suck the fun out of everything!

Uncanny Valley of the Shadow of Death

I would suggest the rest of the series (this is #1) if you're really into zombie flicks. As it turns out, a lot of these old films have fallen into the public domain and you can view them online:

White Zombie Oh, check it. There's Bela again.
Revolt of the Zombies. This one has a great a scene where the lead completely loses it.
King of the Zombies (apparently an early exploitation film)

That should be enough to keep you busy this afternoon. Then there's this:



Now, to be fair, we're missing a lot of historical context there. Still....

Just wrapping up the week...

Hey! There's even a Japanese version!



Watch as someone unwittingly raises the dead. Nicely done!



So help me, Christopher Lee.



Also, this happened.



So Brendan Fraser was in a mummy movie that was a remake of a Karloff film but he was also in Gods and Monsters, which was about the man who made Frankenstein, which was also a Karloff movie.



There was a nice little nod to Karloff in Night at the Museum 2. I wonder if it was the writer, director, or Azaria who decided on that.

As Dan pointed out in the comment, "I bet if Azaria had been doing Bela Lugosi they'd gotten it right off."

(There's some language in that link. Be aware.)

It's Alive!

I want a role-playing game based on insane scientific theories from the 30s. I think a Jacob's ladder gives +5 to kooky-kontraption.

It's also at this point I'm going to be an intellectual snob. The creation is not called Frankenstein, okay? You can call it the creature, or the monster, or even Frankenstein's monster, but it is not called Frankenstein. Let's just get that clear now. Frankenstein was the doctor.



Sorry. Frankenstein.



Despite what you may be thinking, Edison did not plan this as a commercial for delivering electricity to people's homes. But that would have been awesome.



Hey, what's good for the gander is good for the goose, huh? Anyone know when the safety pin was invented? Is that an anachronism?



Awwwww yeah...Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. Those guys are in everything.



And I want to personally thank Jorodowsky for giving us that "oil lamp\self-immolation" trope. Thank you so much for the end of El Topo and the image that will not stop.

PS: I wanted to post this on Thursday because it's Thor's day. Lighting! HAHA!